it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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