i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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