mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
As shirtless as possible
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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