so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
