Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
