my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
