The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
