oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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