You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Randomize
