She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
