my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
