i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
