She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
