Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Shame - the story of my life.
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