You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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