So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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