Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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