College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
