Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
