listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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