My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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