She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
