My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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