He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
