Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
