You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
