so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
