Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
