She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
