if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
