whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
it wasn't lemon gatorade
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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