just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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