I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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