u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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