the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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