im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
