my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
