if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
