I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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