Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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