Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize