so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
