new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
