im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
