summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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