My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
