is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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