My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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