VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
