I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
