i need an iv and a liver transplant
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
