If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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