Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
