Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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