someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
