She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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