Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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