is your mom at the bar?
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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